It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
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No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I want to be your penis for a week.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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