nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
