see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
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I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
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Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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