So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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