On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
