the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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