My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
