Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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