Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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