well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
There was a lot of him and a little penis
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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