Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
