But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
