My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
