so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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