My Higher Power is John Stamos
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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