I could make wine with my vomit
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
