That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
