he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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