My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
