why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
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The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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