This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
