Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I party with great urgency now.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
