I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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