Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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