JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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