how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
