dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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