will power is for people who don't want to get laid
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
