so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
