I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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