I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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