jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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