Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
