i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
