I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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