I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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