there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
