rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
