I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
