Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
