Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
