i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
