No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
