Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
