I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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