I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
where are you?
Hypothermia
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I currently don't understand fingers.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
