he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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