Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Randomize
