im drinking this country out of the recession.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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