Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I can text with my tongue
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
