My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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