Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
