Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
