I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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