my mouth tastes like poor choices
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize