I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
