put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
