Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
