my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
