so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
