it was like having sex with a tree stump
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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