wrigley field is MILF paradise
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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