I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
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I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
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I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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